Thoughts on Life

Here I will chronicle my spiritual journey; the path that leads us to a deeper knowing of how we are all connected to each other and the Universe, co-creating the physical reality in which we find ourselves. I am a spiritual, not a religious person. My use of the terms spirit or soul carry no connection to any particular faith or belief system. They simply point toward that which is our true essence.

I know now that these are not original or unique thoughts. They are parts of an ancient truth that resides deep within each of us. We are all born, we live for a finite period, then we die. How we choose to spend our time on this planet is unique to each individual. I have the gift of time and the longing to explore the purpose for my existence, and I strive to fulfill it.

Because it is impossible for me to communicate verbally, this page is an outlet for deep personal truths that become a part of me as I read, meditate, and contemplate my reality. I am literally baring my soul, and this is only the human position as it appears to me. Please consider my words carefully before you judge. The thoughts are listed in the order in which they were incorporated into my world view. I will add to the page as I continue on my journey and am inspired to write.

The River The Important Things Maturing Spirit The Gift of Life Mortality Compassion Consciousness What is God? Pleasure vs. Happiness Change To Be Present Life is a Voyage Dignity The Law of Attraction Unhappiness Power of the Human Mind Superiority Go with the Flow Independence It’s All Me What IS Why Me? Terminal Diagnosis? Your True Essence Gratitude Resistance is Futile Forgiveness

The River

The human experience is similar to river rafting. You can use your paddles and try to avoid the big objects, but don't fool yourself, the river is in control. You can't go backwards, or change its course. You must take what the river gives you and do your best to handle it gracefully, all the while, enjoying the ride.

The Important Things

As my body slowly withers, and my station in life becomes less physical, I find that I am more and more capable of abstract thought, and the ability to derive great joy from simply observing nature, art, and the people around me. Now that I am no longer burdened with the stress and intense focus which I thought were required to perform my previous occupation; I have been able to slow down, look around, and discover the parts of the human experience that are truly fulfilling. Things like my connection with friends and family. These people have always loved me and I them, but I could not understand the depth and importance of these relationships until the polished, hardened, businesslike exterior that I used to occupy was slowly stripped away.... These things do not require a functioning body to enjoy. See the painting "Kindness".

Maturing Spirit

As my spirit matures into a calmer state, I feel the underlying energies that guide everything around us. The beauty overcomes me so I relinquish myself and it flows through me and feeds my soul. See the painting "Metta".

The Gift of Life

What a huge gift I have received. I am no longer burdened with the countless commitments and responsibilities of a normal existence in today’s fast paced world*. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a lazy person, and I don’t take the tireless efforts of my incredible wife Jen for granted. It is just that I choose to focus on the positive aspects of my predicament rather than the negative. I have more passion for life than I have ever had. The experience is difficult to describe. It is like the scene in “The wizard of Oz” when the picture changes from black and white to Technicolor. I am free to direct my mind in any direction at any moment. I can paint, write, actively listen to music, listen to audio books about any subject that currently interests me, or contemplate the vastness and complexity of our universe. The landscape in my mind is larger and more diverse than the physical world I used to be confined to. I hope it does not appear from the outside that I am losing my sanity. The opposite is true. Every day I have a more complete understanding of what the human spirit is capable of. I feel very lucky. See the painting "Bliss".

* It seems to me that the pace of life is actually a function of the volume of things that must be accomplished and the time available to accomplish them. Many people in our current culture have committed themselves to more tasks than the time available allows. This is bad for two reasons.

First, it builds in failure. Even if you do not realize it on a conscious level, every time you fail to accomplish something that you have promised to another person, it takes a small bite of your soul and your integrity. Know your limits and learn how to graciously say no. This is better for everyone involved.

Second, to be a spiritually balanced, healthy adult, you need quiet time to reflect and examine your motivations and actions. If you deny yourself this opportunity, you retard your growth as a person, and your ability to fully enjoy life. Habitual escape through alcohol or drugs has the same negative effect. (I know from experience.) You have to be sober, still, and listen, to receive life’s subtle lessons and pleasures.

Mortality

Even the word death makes some people uncomfortable, but I have always accepted it as a very natural part of every life on this planet… until it came knocking on my door. When I was first diagnosed with ALS, death looked me square in the eye, and it was terrifying. When I finally learned to calmly accept it, death became my companion and has been ever since. This may sound morbid, but it is actually the main component to my passion for life. We are all mortal. Any one of us could die before we lay our head on the pillow tonight. I have been lucky enough to receive the opportunity to really comprehend this information, and the time to use it.

I feel the fleeting nature of life, and this allows me to fully enjoy everything around me and every experience. My disease has limited the activities I can participate in, but it seems worth it. The many things I can still experience and learn about, are so much more fulfilling and meaningful. I seem to have the perspective to understand my position in the universe, and from this position I look out in awe.

There is also the ability to live fully in the present. This means allowing myself to explore depths of emotion that I had suppressed in the past. I would have been afraid to go there. Having unlocked those gates, I realize that I was missing a crucial connection to humanity; true empathy. To feel the joy and pain of others is to break down the walls of arrogance, prejudice, and ignorance that have led to man’s ugliest moments. Allowing these emotions to flow, feels natural and somehow cleansing. I feel more alive.

For me, death has been an invaluable teacher who has shown me the secrets of true happiness. I don’t know if I would have ever really understood these concepts had I not been forced to view my own mortality.

Live with a meaningful purpose. Do not just brush by others. Take the time to touch them as you pass. See the painting "Random Act of Kindness".

Compassion

There is a destructive, tenacious thought pattern within all human beings; the concept of “us and them”. This fundamental element in our perception of reality was a critical component in the evolution of Homo sapiens, but it stopped being useful long ago. It has now become responsible for most of the atrocities that man has committed against man. I am saddened when I consider the scope of carnage, but to illustrate the point, I have listed several of the better known campaigns:

The Christian Crusades

Slavery

The systematic extermination and displacement of Native Americans

The Holocaust

The Protestant/Catholic conflicts in Northern Ireland

Apartheid

Ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, Darfur, and Rwanda

Racism

Sexism

Terrorism

Every war ever waged

This flaw in character is well known by all successful leaders. It is used as a tool by most politicians, religious leaders, and society itself. It is actually written into the doctrine of some religions. Reality does not support this idea of “us and them”. We are all human beings, much more alike than our egos would allow us to believe. We are all shaped by:

a) Our physical bodies with their varying degrees of energy, abilities, afflictions, and pain

b) Our view of the world around us, as taught by our institutional educations, experiences, and our parents (or lack there of), including prejudices, and religious training

c) The genetic temperament and capacity for intelligence we were given at birth

d) The culture and economic circumstances we were born into.

Most of us act and believe according to these factors, and never stop to consider that the people, groups, religions, or nations that repulse us are just acting on these same factors.

I am not recommending that we stop punishing criminals or defending our nations when attacked. Unfortunately, we need justice systems and militaries to maintain order in today's societies. But imagine a world populated by people who have evolved to a higher level of empathy and compassion for other people; all other people. Imagine living in a world without hunger, preventable diseases, terrorism, genocide, war. Is this possible, or are we, as a global society, incapable of achieving such altruistic actions? How much more could we accomplish in the areas of food production and distribution, or medical research if we did not need to spend so much on our militaries?

I am not naïve enough to think that we should remove our troops from their posts around the world, force our drug companies to hand out free pharmaceuticals to the entire continent of Africa, or start a Robin Hood revolution. This type of morality (or any other type) can not be forced on people. If we are to become more compassionate as a species, it will happen one mind at a time. The next time you feel anger or even ambivalence toward another person or group, take a few moments from your busy day to quietly and honestly contemplate the factors that shaped their actions or situation. This not only benefits society, but you benefit personally, and immediately. To feel more compassion is to be happier, and happiness relieves harmful stress on your body. The more you practice this technique, the healthier your body and mind will become. If we are more conscious of our similarities than our differences, our world's problems will be seen from a different perspective, illuminating new solutions that re-focus our resources toward the common good. In a more compassionate, peaceful world, we all win. See the painting "I am You".

Consciousness

If the history of our universe were compressed to five earth years, a human lifetime would last less than one second. For this brief blip in time, on this tiny spec that is our planet, a random group of sub-atomic particles coalesce into a complex, ordered form that is capable of contemplating the very nature of its own existence; only to be disassembled and transformed into yet different forms of life. My awe at the elegance of this universe continues to expand like the cosmos itself. See the painting "Consciousness".

What is God?

For any of us to imagine we fully understand God is simply delusional. If we are to continue advancing our civilization, we must realize that it is impossible for our relatively tiny intellects to comprehend the consciousness that created this vast life producing system. Our ability to kill one another is outpacing our collective spiritual maturity. We must be more tolerant and inclusive toward others. I believe a person’s spiritual trek is a unique journey. This poem is simply an expression of what my exploration has showed me.

God is the force that holds an atom together.

God is not a patriarchal being with a white beard that punishes us for bad deeds and rewards us for good.

God is a tiny seed that grows into a giant redwood.

God is not watching our sporting events and orchestrating victories for the team with the best prayers.

God is the awesome power that explodes a super-nova, releasing the elements necessary to build complex worlds like our own.

God is not taking sides in the wholesale human slaughters we call war.

God is the brilliant color of an iris.

God is not a super hero that will appear in the clouds and fly down to save us.

God is the innate migration of a Canadian goose.

God is not a deal maker.

God is everything; the alpha and omega.

God is not a being, male or female, living in a distant paradise.

God is something greater than the human mind is capable of imagining.

God can not be described by human language.

God is boundless.

God is not only in you,

You are in God.

See the painting "Life Energy".

Pleasure vs. Happiness

I am not able to enjoy as many "pleasurable" experiences as I once could, yet I feel happier than ever. In searching for answers to this apparent paradox, I discovered the following:

In our culture it is easy to confuse pleasure with happiness. Pleasure is derived from things like a fine meal, live theatre, a vacation, or a new car. The advertising industry, in fact our entire economy, is devoted to stoking our desire for new pleasures. While these things are enjoyable, and should be enjoyed, they are not the same as happiness. If we are not truly happy and we look to sensual pleasures for fulfillment, we will never find that spiritual completeness for which every human naturally longs. The desire for physical objects or external experiences will never be extinguished. When we finally acquire something we have been striving for, we will experience a temporary satisfaction, but we will soon want something more.

True, lasting happiness comes from perceiving and reacting to our world from a positive perspective, disassociating from our egos, feeling gratitude for everything in our lives, and cultivating tolerance and compassion for others. Only then can we experience total peace and joy within ourselves. See the painting "Joy".

Change

One of the fundamental characteristics of every object in our universe is change. From the individual cells in our bodies, to the stars that produce and sustain life, everything is in perpetual flux. Nothing stays the same for even one second. If we understand and accept this feature of reality, we will be happier and more content with our lives. If we deny this, or try to cling to the way things “should be”, we will suffer needlessly. This is especially true when confronting a progressive disease like ALS.

Let go of the past and live in the present moment. It is all we really have. The past and future only exist in our minds. The moment we recognize this, we can begin to live life more fully. See the painting "Paradigm Shift".

To Be Present

As I sit in silent stillness, the peaceful sounds of my ventilator rise and fall like gentle waves on a sandy beach. I feel my chest expand and contract, not unlike the timeless movement of the Universe itself.

I am aware of the energy of each living being in my home; the people with their busy minds, the contented animals, and the quiet dignity of the plants. In awe, I contemplate the true nature of my surroundings. Nothing is solid. Matter, at a sub-atomic level, has no volume. It is simply vibrating energy.

I extend my consciousness to include the city, and eventually, the entire planet. I feel a connection with all other beings. The Earth is one large organism. All living beings are interdependent. What happens to one, affects every other in some way. We are all one.

Hungry for more, I extend my awareness to include the entire Cosmos. I consider the elegance of this complex, awesome, life generating system that produces sentient beings like me, capable of contemplating the reasons for their own presence.

I can not help but recognize the existence and perfection of the powerful intelligence that created this amazing setting. I express my gratitude and joy at being given the opportunity to share in this miraculous expression of love. The experience of communicating with my creator is so potent that my soul begins to overflow, and tears run freely down my face.

Having reached the limits of my capacity to comprehend, I return my focus to my own body and begin this exhilarating journey once more. See the painting "Present moment: Wonderful moment".

Dumbbell Nebula, 1240 light-years away

Life is a Voyage

The human lifetime is a voyage at sea. You may not have control over the ship’s itinerary, but you decide how to spend your days. You can view the foreign lands from the rail of the ship, or disembark and explore the various ports of call. You can even confine yourself to the familiar, yet constricting four walls of your cabin. The choice is yours. Your passage is paid. See the painting "Inspiration".

Dignity

I am not my body. I am my presence or spirit. I am paralyzed from the neck down, need help with the most basic bodily functions, and can't speak. In spite of this, I have not lost one ounce of my dignity. No one can take that away from you. You have to surrender it. I have pride in who I have become, and exist with an ere of confidence. See the painting "Spirit".

The Law of Attraction

Several years ago I realized I was creating my own reality…literally. I understood that my thoughts were causing things to happen; manifesting situations, people, and objects. As I examined my past, I saw that I had been doing this all my life. I began to deliberately use this tool, and it is has enhanced my life immeasurably.

At first I thought I had some special ability, but now I know that everyone can do this. In fact, we are all doing it all the time, we just don't realize it. The human mind is unique in the known Universe. Our attention focused on our perceived surroundings and circumstances, actually creates and changes reality. Quantum Physics proves this scientifically. It is a law of the Universe just like gravity. What you think about will manifest in your life, consciously or unconsciously, positive or negative. If this process is happening anyway, you might as well take control and guide it in a direction that will bring you happiness.

Applying this principle is crucial when confronting a difficult life circumstance such as ALS. If you habitually focus on the "bad things" that are happening to you and repeatedly cultivate negative emotions, the Universe will dutifully provide you with more situations that generate these thoughts and feelings. On the other hand, if you work to cultivate positive thoughts and emotions, even gratitude, the Universe will comply by providing an abundance of positive experiences. It will manifest more things for which to be grateful. I use my mind (the only thing I have left, but also the most powerful tool I ever had at my disposal), to deliberately create peace, understanding, compassion, and well-being in my life. See the painting "Creativity".

Unhappiness

Unhappiness is not caused by circumstances. It is caused by our own thoughts.

The essence of our being is not our body or our thoughts. It is the calm, still space in which our thoughts are born.

In any "unacceptable” situation, we have the choice of three rational paths. First, we can take action to work toward correcting the problem. Second, we can walk away, or remove ourselves from the situation. Finally, if the first two approaches don't work, we can accept the circumstance as what "is" and stop mentally resisting it. ALS and its symptoms almost always fall into the final category.

To find happiness we must give the present moment permission to be what it is; or if you prefer, "Not my own, but your will be done", or "Let go and let God". To fight the present moment is futile and will only cause our own suffering. Sit back and watch your thought patterns for a while. Don't label them good or bad, just observe them. How do they make you feel?

Who is observing your thoughts?

Power of the Human Mind

Your reality today was constructed by your thoughts yesterday. Your reality tomorrow will be constructed by your thoughts today. When you realize this deep inside yourself, you can begin to consciously participate in shaping your own life circumstances; even if your body doesn't work. See the painting "Intent".

Superiority

Hatred toward another doesn't demonstrate superiority. It exposes ignorance and a strong identification with one's ego. See the painting "Judgment, Arrogance, and Power".

Go with the Flow

In my experience, to attain optimum happiness, you must go with the flow. Events unfolding in our Universe have a certain flow, or direction. If you try to paddle against the current you may suffer fatigue to the point of exhaustion. I don't mean you have to accept everything that is happening to you. The Universe (God) provides the human mind with a method of bringing things it desires into its reality. I am not referring only to material objects, but also to fulfillment, compassion, and joy. This is not accomplished by dwelling on the things we don't want such as the symptoms of a disease. You must find a quiet, comfortable space, calm your mind, and visualize how you want your circumstances to manifest. Really get into it. Feel the emotions associated with your visualization. If you are doing it right, this should feel good, and you will want to repeat this experience frequently. Don't worry about the details of how your requests will come to be. That will be handled by the Universe (God). You will receive what you focus on. I believe this is why anti-war movements don't work, but peace movements do. Look to King, Gandhi, Jesus, or Buddha for examples. I know many won't agree. They believe you must "fight" to be triumphant. This has not been my experience. See the painting "Intent".

Independence

Independence is an illusion created by our minds. In reality, we are all interdependent; interconnected. This planet is one large organism (or one tiny organism if looked at from the perspective of our Universe). See the painting "Global Peace".

It’s All Me

I am a tiny fragment of a larger system we call earth. There are no autonomous beings. The independent self is an illusion. Therefore, because I am simply an interdependent part of this complex organism, it's all me.

I am the angry driver, perceiving my environment as adversarial. I am the cautious driver, emotionally distraught by the violent gesture of another. I am the patriotic, but battle fatigued soldier, feeling exploited by my government. I am the enraged insurgent, fighting my oppressors. I am the homeless refugee, struggling to survive. I am the righteous ethnic cleanser, protecting my birth rite. I am the frightened world leader, displaying the wealth and power of my nation. I am the shunned head of state, emasculated before my fellow countrymen. I am the short sighted healthy person with an "every man for himself" attitude. I am the terminally ill, debilitated and deflated patient, waiting to die. I am the suffering, empty capitalist, frantically consuming in an attempt to fill the void. I am the sick planet, futilely applying age old wisdom to maintain ancient balance against brand new forces.

How can I feel anything but compassion and empathy for all the other interconnected parts of myself? It’s all me. See the painting "Empathy".

What IS

Abide peacefully in what IS at this moment. To resist it is to surrender to the unconscious suffering with which most people are afflicted. See the painting "Love".

Why Me?

Don't ask "Why me?" ask "What for?". I believe that within every trying circumstance there is a hidden nugget of personal insight; a path to self-exploration and growth. When we approach life from this perspective, difficult times become opportunities. See the painting "Hand of God".

In memory of Andres, a fellow ALS traveler who shed his physical form on October 4th, 2007.

Terminal Diagnosis?

Receiving a terminal diagnosis is like being shoved out of a plane. You are going along relatively smoothly. In fact you have almost forgotten that you are high in the air. Then, out of nowhere, some cosmic force rudely pushes you out the door. When you quickly realize you are free-falling without a parachute you are stricken with terror. This however, can be a pleasant, even exhilarating sensation if you see that there is no ground.

The opposite of death is not life. The opposite of death is birth. Life has no opposite. Life is eternal. See the painting "Life Energy".

Your True Essence

We are silent, eternal, spirit; residing temporarily in a physical form we call a human being. We are not defined by the string of events that have lead our bodies to this circumstance, place, and time. See the painting "Spirit".

Gratitude

I rest comfortably in God's palm as he slowly raises me toward, and prepares me for life without physical form. I am touched every day as he presents lessons to help me see reality more clearly. and cultivate compassion for my fellow man. I look upon this beautiful, abundant world in which he has placed me, and express gratitude for his gentle guidance, See the painting "Gratitude".

* I use Judeo-Christian concept of "God" so that details of my spiritual path will be familiar to more English-speaking readers.

Resistance is Futile

When we mentally resist pain, we create suffering. If we resist pain, either emotional pain or acute physical pain that can't be immediately relieved, we compound our negative experience. By gently guiding our awareness to the pain without judging, or owning it, simply letting it BE, we remove the suffering component. Emotional pain begins to dissolve, and physical pain’s perceived effect is reduced.

Although this requires practice and persistence, in time it can become our natural response to discomfort,

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is primarily for the forgiver and the planet, not the forgiven. If we spend our entire lives accumulating negative energy in the form of grudges, we make ourselves suffer, and add detrimental emotion to the collective consciousness. When entire nations or regions harbor ill will toward other nations or regions, the result is always human suffering on a massive scale. Humans are 99.99 percent genetically identical, and we are all born with the same desire and right to live a peaceful, happy life. The refusal to forgive only causes more suffering for ourselves. That is insanity.

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness.

Mahatma Gandhi